(no subject)
"we are in love, and that is all that matters."

(no subject)
Love, I thought to myself abstractedly. Not ‘This is love' or ‘Is this love?' Not a sentence, not a certainty, not a thought with moving parts or direction. Just love, all of it, as it is. Whether it's enough or not. Whether it's real or we're making it up. However foolish, however vain. However badly it ends. Love.

in a complete reversal of trend,
my heart is the only part that doesn't hurt.

keep it safe and warm.

perhaps the root of it all stems from a fundamental inability to remain unbiased--to see others from the point of view of others; not as something which you value above all else, but that which others may find unattractive and strange.

the heat of love may be as cyclical as the seasons,
but inside your blood, i'm floating warm.

(no subject)
sometimes, it gets hard to remember why.

you on one side, and i on the other.

the unsurmountable disparities that line the valley between.

when i can't be more than who i am, and you are looking for commonalities and things within me that just aren't, what then? who is to blame when negativity runs rampant over my excited plans and i am left second-guessing myself into stagnation and indecisiveness?

when there are others who stand with you, quite literally, who share your interests and friends and with whom you share some modicum of attraction whereas i have only distance and scattered moments here and there to commend me.

sometimes, i don't even feel as though anything exists in the moments between. when days pass and i go unheeded and it is always the same--me, grasping at straws. is there a specific allotment of communication and there is just not enough to go around? when others are acknowledged and responses are sent to those who you claim to be bored by, and yet i barely merit a thought and sentiments such as "i miss you" are dismissed with an offhanded remark and i am relegated to passive means in the fear that voicing these thoughts will only serve to push you further away.

well, so be it, if that is what it comes down to. it is far better to know now than to squander time on a relationship of starts and stops, wherein proximity makes the heart grow fonder and absence brings it to a standstill.

i can't reconcile who you are when you are with me with who you are when you are away.

it is incredibly hard to remain optimistic these days. i need more. i cannot know what i am not told. i cannot do anything but make observations and comparisons. i need to feel secure. i need to feel as if i'm not just pointlessly throwing my affections at a wall.

i am so tired, sick, and broken down in so many ways. i have infections and tooth problems and fevers and a general air of malaise. i am to and fro, back and forth. up and down. all around.

p.s. i changed my layout to a generic one because i was tired at looking at the flickr missing image background.

p.p.s. i miss you and wish you were here, even though you tell me that i should miss inanimate objects instead.

(no subject)
i am a pendulum.

back, forth.

up, down.

minor irritations, blown completely out of proportion.

i hesitate to blame it on the drugs, but it really just might be. i find myself asking, "is this really how you feel?" and unfortunately, the answer is always a resounding yes.

maybe not to such great degrees, but the kernels are there, lurking.

is it even worth it? the highs wear off the next day, where once they sustained for weeks, at least.


fix me, pls.

it's not that i hang on every word, i hang myself on what you repeat
i want to say that i am not letting go, but in the process, i've let pieces of myself go.

every word a razor's edge, and yet i've dulled all of mine, only to walk away with raw and horrific realizations.

what if this truly is who i am and how i am?

isn't pretending a serenity i don't feel also not being myself?

and i am so, so tired of faking it, only to be criticized when i don't.

i am trying. i am reading all the right and wrong books. i am looking to examples and precedents and working on improving who i am. i am reflecting, self-examining, and poring over the past to ensure that those mistakes stay there.

i am trying, so hard, but reciprocity would be most welcome.

new year!

the last one was so awful, i'm glad it's over, now.

will we ever get there?

(no subject)
by the way,

just so you know,

i will be your ally,

from here on out.


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