- (no subject)
- March 18th, 2009
sometimes, it gets hard to remember why.
you on one side, and i on the other.
the unsurmountable disparities that line the valley between.
when i can't be more than who i am, and you are looking for commonalities and things within me that just aren't, what then? who is to blame when negativity runs rampant over my excited plans and i am left second-guessing myself into stagnation and indecisiveness?
when there are others who stand with you, quite literally, who share your interests and friends and with whom you share some modicum of attraction whereas i have only distance and scattered moments here and there to commend me.
sometimes, i don't even feel as though anything exists in the moments between. when days pass and i go unheeded and it is always the same--me, grasping at straws. is there a specific allotment of communication and there is just not enough to go around? when others are acknowledged and responses are sent to those who you claim to be bored by, and yet i barely merit a thought and sentiments such as "i miss you" are dismissed with an offhanded remark and i am relegated to passive means in the fear that voicing these thoughts will only serve to push you further away.
well, so be it, if that is what it comes down to. it is far better to know now than to squander time on a relationship of starts and stops, wherein proximity makes the heart grow fonder and absence brings it to a standstill.
i can't reconcile who you are when you are with me with who you are when you are away.
it is incredibly hard to remain optimistic these days. i need more. i cannot know what i am not told. i cannot do anything but make observations and comparisons. i need to feel secure. i need to feel as if i'm not just pointlessly throwing my affections at a wall.
i am so tired, sick, and broken down in so many ways. i have infections and tooth problems and fevers and a general air of malaise. i am to and fro, back and forth. up and down. all around.
p.s. i changed my layout to a generic one because i was tired at looking at the flickr missing image background.
p.p.s. i miss you and wish you were here, even though you tell me that i should miss inanimate objects instead.